2008-02-28 Important lessons learned by sharing a bathroom

The Family Bathroom Waltz



by Marie Hartwell-Walker, Ed.D. February 26, 2008

Some mornings are like this: “ Come on! Get out of there. I ’ ve got to leave for work in 10 minutes. ” My daughter has been trying to get into the bathroom for the last half hour. “ Cool your jets! I ’ m coming! ” That ’ s her younger brother who lately has been spending more time in there than she does. So much for the theory that it ’ s the girls who need a mirror. “ Hey. I need to get my makeup! ” Daughter again, now banging on the door. “ Yeah, yeah. ” He emerges, along with steam and the distinct odor of aftershave. Younger sister giggles, dashes in, and slams the door while big sister is sneering at her brother. Other son stumbles out of his room, late as usual and half asleep, and bumps into big sister. She pulls rank. “ Don ’ t even think about it. I ’ ve been waiting for like hours. . . ”“ Mommmmm! ” The appeal to a high court. I ’ ll ignore it, of course. Did I mention that I ’ m trying to get ready for work too? For years, the upstairs bathroom has been the pivot point of morning activity at our house where 4 kids, 2 adults and some kind of pet rodent (gerbil, hamster, white rat, I lose track) try to live in reasonable harmony. We live in a 19th century farmhouse with a rabbit warren of little rooms, no closets, and, you guessed it, one bathroom. Oh, there ’ s a half bath off the kitchen on the first floor, but to teenagers who are all-the-way-upstairs, that might as well not exist. So the bathroom do-si-do is part of the morning routine. I love my old house, creaks and leaks and all. But I must admit I read with no small bit of envy those real estate ads for McMansions going up across town: “ 4 bedrms, 4 baths, master suite with Jacuzzi. ” Then I think about the second job my husband and I would each have to take to support it and the effort it would take to get everyone to help clean it and oh well. But the idea of a higher person to bathroom ratio does have its charms. Or does it? As much as an occasional morning feels like I ’ m living in a badly written and utterly predictable sitcom, most mornings really aren ’ t like that. Much of the time, in fact, most of the time, the routine around the bathroom is more like an intricately choreographed dance performed flawlessly by a troupe of pros. The Daily Routine My husband and I are the first up. We don ’ t mind sharing. As a matter of fact, lots of family information gets exchanged while one is brushing his or her teeth and the other is on the pot or in the shower. It ’ s not elegant but it organizes the day. We remind each other who needs to be where and what needs to get done. Management meeting and morning bathroom routines accomplished, the last one out calls into the room of our first born to announce vacancy and the second act of the dance begins. For the next 45 minutes or so, kids waltz in and out of the bathroom, most of the time with no intersection at all. Each year they figure out the order of use, who can intrude on who, who needs more time, who can be in and out in a flash. There ’ s no need to talk about it, fight about it, or complain about it. Somehow the 6 of us have mastered the complicated routine so it usually goes without a hitch. Oh, the first week of a new semester has its bumps and any change in schedule can create momentary confusion but we figure it out pretty quick. (First days of vacations are less of a stretch as people want to sleep in anyway.) If someone oversleeps, it can wreak havoc on everyone else ’ s morning, but even that is a rare event. It may be that I ’ m rationalizing but I ’ ve come to think that there ’ s valuable stuff going on around the lowly bathroom. Our kids are learning to share space and shampoo, to put the cap back on the toothpaste, and to clean up after themselves. They are learning to manage time and be efficient. They have had to figure out how to accommodate to each other and negotiate according to their individual needs, while still respecting that there are 5 other people to take into account. They ’ re learning to keep track of their belongings. (Eyeglasses or earrings left on the sink stay there for what can seem like hours if a kid of the other gender goes in the shower next.) They ’ ve even learned that sometimes it ’ s better to be flexible and go all-the-way-downstairs to use the half bath for last minute touch-ups instead of being pushy. The kids are learning to be considerate and generous too. Sometimes, one person is under special stress or needs the confidence boost that comes with an extra few minutes at the mirror and the other kids give way. They ’ re learning that people who want to have a dry towel left for them better leave some for the other guys. People who want their ownership of some special shampoo respected better respect someone else ’ s equally special item. They ’ ve found that asking instead of taking works much better in the long run. I can ’ t think of a better way to teach that the “ golden rule ” has real meaning. Our bathroom isn ’ t the portal to a different plane of reality so all this good stuff didn ’ t happen by magic. Their dad and I had to take time in the early years, and step in now and again over more recent ones, to teach lofty ideas like the value of taking turns, sharing, and being considerate. And it certainly has fallen on us to show them all that it can be done and should be done, even if one doesn ’ t feel like it at the time. But once those basic ideas and skills were established, the daily morning bathroom routine has provided lots and lots and lots of practice for how to be a civilized adult. Future roommates and partners will be grateful.

2008-02-28 Skiing at Brighton (again)

The sun was shining - how could we resist a day of skiing. Melissa is still recovering from her fall, but Mindy and I skied until our legs quit

2008-02-28 Studying Spanish

Every Tuesday and Thursday evening we study Spanish at BYU SL Campus in the same building where Michael will bill his 2000 hours. Nosotros estudiamos espanol! Brother Thomas, the instrutor, is attempting to explain the finer points of indirect and direct personal pronouns. Estoy tan tonto.

2008-02-26 Skiing at Brighton

Thanks to Grandma babysitting the young-uns, Melissa and Mindy and I spent a great day skiing at Brighton. Unfortunately Melissa hit an unexpected jump. She fell and bruised her tailbone and she has been miserable ever since. I was behind her and saw the jump coming so I slowed down to save my tailbone. I didn't see the fall, just the jump. Melissa skied the rest of the day in spite of her injury.


Grandma and I took a day to ski - the sun was shining, there was a foot of new snow, it was above freezing. How could we go wrong?

2008-02-20 Celebrating Janet's 60th birthday

My two older sisters are now 60 years old. I'm next! Janet celebrated her 60th on February 20, Louise and LaRue turned 77 on February 22, Donna's birthday was January 27 when she reached 82. Becky's birthday was January 24, and I think she is 52 or 53.

2008-02-22 Michael turns 30 something

We celebrated Michael's birthday with cake at the Ford's house. Then we went to see A Midsummer Night's Dream at Pioneer Memorial Theater. It was hectic for Melissa since Joshua was stuck at Brighton Ski Resort in a school bus and Thomas and Michael were at a basketball game. Benjamin had a fever (strep). These are the obstacles that often prevent a visit to the temple, but rarely prevent a trip to the theater. All the struggle was probably just a dream - which is how the play ends.

2008-02-15 Island Park

We spent a long weekend (Thursday - Monday) with the Buckners, Broadbents and Daniels at the Island Park home we considered buying. The Broadbents bought a share so we enjoyed the home at their expense. Grandma was glad we didn't buy a share, but I was sad. There was snow galore. We attended church in Island Park and the bishop asked that everyone (all 900 attendees) avoid the 30 foot mountain of snow in the parking lot to prevent a possible avalanche.


Grandma was cozy in her snowmobile gear.

Date Night

February 12, 2008

Reinventing Date Night for Long-Married Couples
By TARA PARKER-POPE

Long-married couples often schedule a weekly “date night” — a regular evening out with friends or at a favorite restaurant to strengthen their marital bond.

But brain and behavior researchers say many couples are going about date night all wrong. Simply spending quality time together is probably not enough to prevent a relationship from getting stale.

Using laboratory studies, real-world experiments and even brain-scan data, scientists can now offer long-married couples a simple prescription for rekindling the romantic love that brought them together in the first place. The solution? Reinventing date night.

Rather than visiting the same familiar haunts and dining with the same old friends, couples need to tailor their date nights around new and different activities that they both enjoy, says Arthur Aron, a professor of social psychology at the State University of New York at Stony Brook. The goal is to find ways to keep injecting novelty into the relationship. The activity can be as simple as trying a new restaurant or something a little more unusual or thrilling — like taking an art class or going to an amusement park.

The theory is based on brain science. New experiences activate the brain’s reward system, flooding it with dopamine and norepinephrine. These are the same brain circuits that are ignited in early romantic love, a time of exhilaration and obsessive thoughts about a new partner. (They are also the brain chemicals involved in drug addiction and obsessive-compulsive disorder.)

Most studies of love and marriage show that the decline of romantic love over time is inevitable. The butterflies of early romance quickly flutter away and are replaced by familiar, predictable feelings of long-term attachment.

But several experiments show that novelty — simply doing new things together as a couple — may help bring the butterflies back, recreating the chemical surges of early courtship.

“We don’t really know what’s going on in the brain, but as you trigger and amp up this reward system in the brain that is associated with romantic love, it’s reasonable to suggest that it’s enabling you to feel more romantic love,” said the anthropologist Helen E. Fisher, of Rutgers, who has published several studies on the neural basis of romantic love. “You’re altering your brain chemistry.”

Over the past several years, Dr. Aron and his colleagues have tested the novelty theory in a series of experiments with long-married couples.

In one of the earliest studies, the researchers recruited 53 middle-aged couples. Using standard questionnaires, the researchers measured the couples’ relationship quality and then randomly assigned them to one of three groups.

One group was instructed to spend 90 minutes a week doing pleasant and familiar activities, like dining out or going to a movie. Couples in another group were instructed to spend 90 minutes a week on “exciting” activities that appealed to both husband and wife. Those couples did things they didn’t typically do — attending concerts or plays, skiing, hiking and dancing. The third group was not assigned any particular activity.

After 10 weeks, the couples again took tests to gauge the quality of their relationships. Those who had undertaken the “exciting” date nights showed a significantly greater increase in marital satisfaction than the “pleasant” date night group.

While the results were compelling, they weren’t conclusive. The experiment didn’t occur in a controlled setting, and numerous variables could have affected the final results.

More recently, Dr. Aron and colleagues have created laboratory experiments to test the effects of novelty on marriage. In one set of experiments, some couples are assigned a mundane task that involves simply walking back and forth across a room. Other couples, however, take part in a more challenging exercise — their wrists and ankles are bound together as they crawl back and forth pushing a ball.

Before and after the exercise, the couples were asked things like, “How bored are you with your current relationship?” The couples who took part in the more challenging and novel activity showed bigger increases in love and satisfaction scores, while couples performing the mundane task showed no meaningful changes.

Dr. Aron cautions that novelty alone is probably not enough to save a marriage in crisis. But for couples who have a reasonably good but slightly dull relationship, novelty may help reignite old sparks.

And recent brain-scan studies show that romantic love really can last years into a marriage. Last week, at the Society for Personality and Social Psychology conference in Albuquerque, researchers presented brain-scan data on several men and women who had been married for 10 or more years. Interviews and questionnaires suggested they were still intensely in love with their partners. Brain scans confirmed it, showing increased brain activity associated with romantic love when the subjects saw pictures of their spouses.

It’s not clear why some couples are able to maintain romantic intensity even after years together. But the scientists believe regular injections of novelty and excitement most likely play a role.

“You don’t have to swing from the chandeliers,” Dr. Fisher said. “Just go to a new part of a town, take a drive in the country or better yet, don’t make plans, and see what happens to you.”

5 Easy Steps to Living Long and Well

It seems that cigareets and whiskey and wild wild wimmen are not all that good for you.

By NICHOLAS BAKALAR

Living past 90, and living well, may be more than a matter of good genes and good luck. Five behaviors in elderly men are associated not only with living into extreme old age, a new study has found, but also with good health and independent functioning.

The behaviors are abstaining from smoking, weight management, blood pressure control, regular exercise and avoiding diabetes. The study reports that all are significantly correlated with healthy survival after 90.

While it is hardly astonishing that choices like not smoking are associated with longer life, it is significant that these behaviors in the early elderly years — all of them modifiable — so strongly predict survival into extreme old age.

“The take-home message,” said Dr. Laurel B. Yates, a geriatric specialist at Brigham and Women’s Hospital in Boston who was the lead author of the study, “is that an individual does have some control over his destiny in terms of what he can do to improve the probability that not only might he live a long time, but also have good health and good function in those older years.”

The study followed more than 2,300 healthy men for as long as a quarter-century. When it began, in 1981, the subjects’ average age was 72. The men responded to yearly questionnaires about changes in health and lifestyle, and researchers tested their mental and physical functioning. At the end of the study, which was published Feb. 11 in The Archives of Internal Medicine, 970 men had survived into their 90s.

There was no less chronic illness among survivors than among those who died before 90. But after controlling for other variables, smokers had double the risk of death before 90 compared with nonsmokers, those with diabetes increased their risk of death by 86 percent, obese men by 44 percent, and those with high blood pressure by 28 percent. Compared with men who never exercised, those who did reduced their risk of death by 20 percent to 30 percent, depending on how often and how vigorously they worked out.

Take more vitamin D !!!

February 19, 2008
Personal Health
An Oldie Vies for Nutrient of the Decade
By JANE E. BRODY
The so-called sunshine vitamin is poised to become the nutrient of the decade, if a host of recent findings are to be believed. Vitamin D, an essential nutrient found in a limited number of foods, has long been renowned for its role in creating strong bones, which is why it is added to milk.

Now a growing legion of medical researchers have raised strong doubts about the adequacy of currently recommended levels of intake, from birth through the sunset years. The researchers maintain, based on a plethora of studies, that vitamin D levels considered adequate to prevent bone malformations like rickets in children are not optimal to counter a host of serious ailments that are now linked to low vitamin D levels.

To be sure, not all medical experts are convinced of the need for or the desirability of raising the amount of vitamin D people should receive, either through sunlight, foods, supplements or all three. The federal committee that establishes daily recommended levels of nutrients has resisted all efforts to increase vitamin D intake significantly, partly because the members are not convinced of assertions for its health-promoting potential and partly because of time-worn fears of toxicity.

This column will present the facts as currently known, but be forewarned. In the end, you will have to decide for yourself how much of this vital nutrient to consume each and every day and how to obtain it.

Where to Obtain It

Through most of human history, sunlight was the primary source of vitamin D, which is formed in skin exposed to ultraviolet B radiation (the UV light that causes sunburns). Thus, to determine how much vitamin D is needed from food and supplements, take into account factors like skin color, where you live, time of year, time spent out of doors, use of sunscreens and coverups and age.

Sun avoiders and dark-skinned people absorb less UV radiation. People in the northern two-thirds of the country make little or no vitamin D in winter, and older people make less vitamin D in their skin and are less able to convert it into the hormone that the body uses. In addition, babies fed just breast milk consume little vitamin D unless given a supplement.

In addition to fortified drinks like milk, soy milk and some juices, the limited number of vitamin D food sources include oily fish like salmon, mackerel, bluefish, catfish, sardines and tuna, as well as cod liver oil and fish oils. The amount of vitamin D in breakfast cereals is minimal at best. As for supplements, vitamin D is found in prenatal vitamins, multivitamins, calcium-vitamin D combinations and plain vitamin D. Check the label, and select brands that contain vitamin D3, or cholecalciferol. D2, or ergocalciferol, is 25 percent less effective.

Vitamin D content is listed on labels in international units (I.U.). An eight-ounce glass of milk or fortified orange juice is supposed to contain 100 I.U. Most brands of multivitamins provide 400 a day. Half a cup of canned red salmon has about 940, and three ounces of cooked catfish about 570.

Myriad Links to Health

Let’s start with the least controversial role of vitamin D — strong bones. Last year, a 15-member team of nutrition experts noted in The American Journal of Clinical Nutrition that “randomized trials using the currently recommended intakes of 400 I.U. vitamin D a day have shown no appreciable reduction in fracture risk.”

“In contrast,” the experts continued, “trials using 700 to 800 I.U. found less fracture incidence, with and without supplemental calcium. This change may result from both improved bone health and reduction in falls due to greater muscle strength.”

A Swiss study of women in their 80s found greater leg strength and half as many falls among those who took 800 I.U. of vitamin D a day for three months along with 1,200 milligrams of calcium, compared with women who took just calcium. Greater strength and better balance have been found in older people with high blood levels of vitamin D.

In animal studies, vitamin D has strikingly reduced tumor growth, and a large number of observational studies in people have linked low vitamin D levels to an increased risk of cancer, including cancers of the breast, rectum, ovary, prostate, stomach, bladder, esophagus, kidney, lung, pancreas and uterus, as well as Hodgkin’s lymphoma and multiple myeloma.

Researchers at Creighton University in Omaha conducted a double-blind, randomized, placebo-controlled trial (the most reliable form of clinical research) among 1,179 community-living, healthy postmenopausal women. They reported last year in The American Journal of Clinical Nutrition that over the course of four years, those taking calcium and 1,100 I.U. of vitamin D3 each day developed about 80 percent fewer cancers than those who took just calcium or a placebo.

Vitamin D seems to dampen an overactive immune system. The incidence of autoimmune diseases like Type 1 diabetes and multiple sclerosis has been linked to low levels of vitamin D. A study published on Dec. 20, 2006, in The Journal of the American Medical Association examined the risk of developing multiple sclerosis among more than seven million military recruits followed for up to 12 years. Among whites, but not blacks or Hispanics, the risk of developing M.S. increased with ever lower levels of vitamin D in their blood serum before age 20.

A study published in Neurology in 2004 found a 40 percent lower risk of M.S. in women who took at least 400 I.U. of vitamin D a day.

Likewise, a study of a national sample of non-Hispanic whites found a 75 percent lower risk of diabetes among those with the highest blood levels of vitamin D.

Vitamin D is a fat-soluble vitamin that when consumed or made in the skin can be stored in body fat. In summer, as little as five minutes of sun a day on unprotected hands and face can replete the body’s supply. Any excess can be stored for later use. But for most people during the rest of the year, the body needs dietary help.

Furthermore, the general increase in obesity has introduced a worrisome factor, the tendency for body fat to hold on to vitamin D, thus reducing its overall availability.

As for a maximum safe dose, researchers like Bruce W. Hollis, a pediatric nutritionist at the Medical University of South Carolina in Charleston, maintain that the current top level of 2,000 I.U. is based on shaky evidence indeed — a study of six patients in India. Dr. Hollis has been giving pregnant women 4,000 I.U. a day, and nursing women 6,000, with no adverse effects. Other experts, however, are concerned that high vitamin D levels (above 800 I.U.) with calcium can raise the risk of kidney stones in susceptible people.

1980 Heath Children

They don't look like the happiest bunch of children. Getting everyone beautified and into the car was a big challenge. Everyone seems to have chappy lips and faces. It was a cold, dry winter in NY.



At first I thought this was 1981, but Mom corrected me and we think it was 1980.

2008-02-07 Mitt quits

Dear Tom,

If you have not heard by now, I have decided to suspend my campaign for president. This was not an easy decision for me, and I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for your support from the beginning to the point where we are today. We’ve come such a long way, and our hard work together will leave an imprint on the course of history.

As I addressed the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) yesterday in Washington, D.C., I outlined what I know is the right course ahead for our nation – a course based on conservative principles such as individual responsibility, strong faith and values, economic strength with lower taxes and a national defense that will not retreat from the threat of evil extremism.

I disagree with Senator McCain on a number of issues, as you know. But I agree with him on doing whatever it takes to be successful in Iraq, on finding and executing Osama bin Laden, and on eliminating Al Qaeda and terror. If I fight on in my campaign, all the way to the convention, I would forestall the launch of a national campaign and make it more likely that Senator Clinton or Obama would win. And in this time of war, I simply cannot let my campaign be a part of aiding surrender to terror.

This is not an easy decision for me. I hate to lose. My family, my friends and, you, our supporters, have given a great deal to get me where I have a shot at becoming President. If this were only about me, I would go on. But I entered this race because I love America, and because I love America, I feel I must now stand aside, for our party and for our country.

You can be sure I will continue to stand for conservative principles. I will fight alongside you for all the things we believe in. And one of those things is that we cannot allow the next President of the United States to retreat in the face evil extremism.

It is the common task of each generation – and the burden of liberty – to preserve this country, expand its freedoms and renew its spirit so that its noble past is prologue to its glorious future.

Please stand proud today that you fought for a cause greater than yourself, and please continue to fight to preserve our ideals.

Thank you again so very much.

1995 Heath family photo

This family photo was taken in Salt Lake as I was resigning from Pfizer.
Thomas was turning one.
Mindy and Brian were preparing for their missions. Their 'farewell' sacrament meeting was on December 31.

Diet Coke may not be benign

February 5, 2008
Vital Signs
Symptoms: Metabolic Syndrome Is Tied to Diet Soda
By NICHOLAS BAKALAR
Researchers have found a correlation between drinking diet soda and metabolic syndrome — the collection of risk factors for cardiovascular disease and diabetes that include abdominal obesity, high cholesterol and blood glucose levels, and elevated blood pressure.

The scientists gathered dietary information on more than 9,500 men and women ages 45 to 64 and tracked their health for nine years.

Over all, a Western dietary pattern — high intakes of refined grains, fried foods and red meat — was associated with an 18 percent increased risk for metabolic syndrome, while a “prudent” diet dominated by fruits, vegetables, fish and poultry correlated with neither an increased nor a decreased risk.

But the one-third who ate the most fried food increased their risk by 25 percent compared with the one-third who ate the least, and surprisingly, the risk of developing metabolic syndrome was 34 percent higher among those who drank one can of diet soda a day compared with those who drank none.

“This is interesting,” said Lyn M. Steffen, an associate professor of epidemiology at the University of Minnesota and a co-author of the paper, which was posted online in the journal Circulation on Jan. 22. “Why is it happening? Is it some kind of chemical in the diet soda, or something about the behavior of diet soda drinkers?”

1979 -12 Michelle and Melanie at 10 months old

This photo is getting faded. It has been hanging with other family photos in our laundry room, and in the middle of getting ready to paint the room I scanned the photo to take a break. Melanie is on Michelle's right. They were a lot of fun as babies, and we loved them with all our hearts.