The Generous Marriage

This column appears in the Dec. 11 issue of The New York Times Magazine. From tribesmen to billionaire philanthropists, the social value of generosity is already well known. But new research suggests it also matters much more intimately than we imagined, even down to our most personal relationships. Researchers from the University of Virginia’s National Marriage Project recently studied the role of generosity in the marriages of 2,870 men and women. Generosity was defined as “the virtue of giving good things to one’s spouse freely and abundantly” — like simply making them coffee in the morning — and researchers quizzed men and women on how often they behaved generously toward their partners. How often did they express affection? How willing were they to forgive? The responses went right to the core of their unions. Men and women with the highest scores on the generosity scale were far more likely to report that they were “very happy” in their marriages. The benefits of generosity were particularly pronounced among couples with children. Among the parents who posted above-average scores for marital generosity, about 50 percent reported being “very happy” together. Among those with lower generosity scores, only about 14 percent claimed to be “very happy,” according to the latest “State of Our Unions” report from the National Marriage Project. While sexual intimacy, commitment and communication are important, the focus on generosity adds a new dimension to our understanding of marital success. Though this conclusion may seem fairly self-evident, it’s not always easy to be generous to a romantic partner. The noted marriage researcher John Gottman has found that successful couples say or do at least five positive things for each negative interaction with their partner — not an easy feat. “In marriage we are expected to do our fair share when it comes to housework, child care and being faithful, but generosity is going above and beyond the ordinary expectations with small acts of service and making an extra effort to be affectionate,” explains the University of Virginia’s W. Bradford Wilcox, who led the research. “Living that spirit of generosity in a marriage does foster a virtuous cycle that leads to both spouses on average being happier in the marriage.” Social scientists are now wondering if this virtuous cycle extends to children too. In a study of 3-year-old twins, Israeli researchers have identified a genetic predisposition toward generosity that may be further influenced by a parent’s behavior. Preliminary findings suggest that children with more-engaged parents are more likely to be generous toward others, which may bode well for their future relationships — and their parents’ too. “We see meaningful differences in parents’ behaviors,” said Ariel Knafo, the principal investigator and a psychologist at Hebrew University in Jerusalem. “In the long run we’d like to be able to see whether it’s children’s generosity that also makes parents more kind or the other way around. Probably it’s both.”

2013-01-18 Grandpa and Anders

I enjoyed getting to know Anders a little during our quick visit to Brian and Natalie's home in Thousand Oaks CA. He's very curious and very active - who knows where this comes from? I took some photos of Anders in the mirror. Is there any wonder that he is interested in current technology? Elsa took this photo of Anders.

2012-11-08 Golfing at Willow Creek CCW

We golfed at Willow Creek CC in the wind prior to the coming storm with Doug Matsumori. Paula played great and had her best drive with a wind assisted shot on hole 8 - an impressive 210 yards off the tee. The next day the snow hit and I doubt we'll play again until Spring.

PERSONAL HEALTH Jane Brody on health and aging. The definition of an optimist: Someone, like me, who plans to get more done than time permits. Having failed to achieve the impossible, someone, like me, who is sure everything will somehow get done anyway. A more classical definition from the Mayo Clinic: “Optimism is the belief that good things will happen to you and that negative events are temporary setbacks to be overcome.” In one study, adults shown to be pessimists based on psychological tests had higher death rates over a 30-year period than those who were shown optimistic. No doubt, the optimists were healthier because they were more inclined to take good care of themselves. Unlike Voltaire’s Candide, I’ve yet to be stripped of my optimism, though there are clearly forces in this country and the world that could subdue even the most ardent optimist. I am a realist, after all, and I do fret over things I may be able to do little or nothing about directly: economic injustice; wars and the repeated failure to learn from history; our gun-crazy society; the overreliance on tests to spur academic achievement; and attempts to strip women of their reproductive rights. But I’ve found that life is a lot more pleasant when one looks at the bright side, seeing the glass half full and assuming that reason will eventually prevail. Not Just About Being Positive Murphy’s Law — “Anything that can go wrong will go wrong” — is the antithesis of optimism. In a book called “Breaking Murphy’s Law,” Suzanne C. Segerstrom, a professor of psychology at the University of Kentucky, explained that optimism is not about being positive so much as it is about being motivated and persistent. Dr. Segerstrom and other researchers have found that rather than giving up and walking away from difficult situations, optimists attack problems head-on. They plan a course of action, getting advice from others and staying focused on solutions. Whenever my husband, a dyed-in-the-wool pessimist, said, “It can’t be done,” I would seek a different approach and try harder — although I occasionally had to admit he was right. Dr. Segerstrom wrote that when faced with uncontrollable stressors, optimists tend to react by building “existential resources” — for example, by looking for something good to come out of the situation or using the event to grow as a person in a positive way. I was 16 when my mother died of cancer. Rather than dwell on the terrible void her death left in my life, I managed to gain value from the experience. I learned to apply her lifelong frugality more constructively, living each day as if it could be my last, but with a focus on the future in case it wasn’t. Yes, I saved, but I also chose not to postpone for some nebulous future the things I wanted to do and could, if I tried hard, find a way to do now. And I adopted a very forthright approach to life, believing that if I wanted something badly enough, I could probably overcome the odds against me. When I applied at age 24 for a job as a science writer at The New York Times, an interviewer said I was foolhardy to think I could be hired after just two years of newspaper experience. “If I didn’t think I could do the job, I wouldn’t be here,” I told him. It turned out to be just what he wanted to hear, and I was hired. Since what I loved most was researching and writing articles that could help people better understand science and medicine, I stayed focused on my goals and declined opportunities to move up in the organization by becoming an editor. Research has indicated that a propensity toward optimism is strongly influenced by genes, most likely ones that govern neurotransmitters in the brain. Still, the way someone is raised undoubtedly plays a role, too. Parents who bolster children’s self-esteem by avoiding criticism and praising accomplishments, however meager, can encourage in them a lifelong can-do attitude. With the right guidance, many of the attributes of optimism also can be learned by adults, Dr. Segerstrom and other researchers have found. Noting that it is easier to change behavior than emotions, she eschews the popular saying “Don’t worry, be happy.” Instead, she endorses a form of cognitive behavioral therapy: Act first and the right feelings will follow. As she puts it in her book, “Fake it until you make it.” She wrote, “People can learn to be more optimistic by acting as if they were more optimistic,” which means “being more engaged with and persistent in the pursuit of goals.” If you behave more optimistically, you will be likely to keep trying instead of giving up after an initial failure. “You might succeed more than you expected,” she wrote. Even if the additional effort is not successful, it can serve as a positive learning experience, suggesting a different way to approach a similar problem the next time. Framing Your Thoughts It’s important not to neglect the power of positive thinking. Both Dr. Segerstrom and the Mayo researchers recommend taking a few minutes at the end of each day to write down three positive things that happened that day, ending the day on an upbeat note. The Mayo researchers offered these additional suggestions: Avoid negative self-talk. Instead of focusing on prospects of failure, dwell on the positive aspects of a situation. In college, I would approach every exam, even those I had barely studied for, with the thought that I was going to do well. Time after time, this turned out to be a self-fulfilling prophecy. Regardless of the nature of your work, identify some aspect of it that is personally fulfilling. If your job is scrubbing floors, stand back and admire how shiny and clean they look. Surround yourself with positive, upbeat people. But be aware that if you are chronically negative and always see only the dark side of things, the optimists in your life may eventually give up on you. Focus on situations that you can control, and forget those you can’t. I would also suggest using voting power, money or communication skills to forward a goal that is beyond your personal control.

2012-09-17 Mary Lou Unice passed away

Mary Lou Unice Obituary 1928 ~ 2012 Our gracious and beautiful mother, grandmother (Grams), and great-grandmother, Mary Lou Dunford Unice, peacefully passed away on September 17, 2012, with her daughter Denise Unice Gibson at her side. She was born on September 13, 1928, in South Gate, CA, to Grover Cleveland Dunford and Hazel Irene Weaver (deceased). She was married to Dr. Charles Joseph Unice II in the Salt Lake City Temple for time and all eternity on June 14, 1949. She is survived by her son, Charles Joseph (Cheryl) Unice III; daughter Denise (Rockne Ted) Gibson; grandchildren, Cyndi Unice Both, Chira Unice Speers, Charles Joseph Unice IV, Heather Gibson Heywood, Mandy Gibson McFarland, Hillary Gibson Crump, Marla Gibson Grover, Rocky Scott Gibson and 16 great-grandchildren. She was preceded in death by her husband ; son, Roger Dunford Unice, in 1993; parents, Grover and Hazel Dunford; brothers, Park, Jack and Ted Dunford Funeral services will be held Friday, September 28th, 12:00 p.m. at the Willow Creek 4th Ward, 2350 East Creek Rd. (8200 So) Sandy, Utah. A viewing will be held 10:00 - 11:30 a.m. prior to services. Interment at Redwood Memorial Estates, West Jordan, Utah. Mary Lou faced many challenges in her life with grace and dignity. She was strong and faithful to the gospel of Jesus Christ her entire life. She had many creative talents and skills and lived life to the fullest until the very end. By far her greatest joy was her eight grandchildren and 16 great- grandchildren who she "always spoiled then sent them home." She will be lovingly remembered by all who knew her. She was a great supporter of the Huntsman Cancer Center, in lieu of flowers or gifts, the family would appreciate donations to the Huntsman Cancer Center.

2012-08-15 Daryl Broadbent gets a hole-in-one

Daryl made a hole-in-one at number 2 hole of Willow Creek. The ball landed on the hill to the right of the green and bounced down onto the green and rolled into the hole. This is the third hole-in-one I have seen. Greg Seal and Ray Goodson were the others.

We came home from golf and found a couple of deer in our backyard. Deer have eaten the Stubb's tomato plants, but they left our plants alone. They appear to be young bucks, and they left in a hurry when I came out to photograph them.